I Figured This Would Happen..

Of course, 4 days before one of the more exciting things in my life is gonna happen, I'm more depressed then ever. J.Wilt is upset with me because he found out that the ex, myself, Kerri && Chris are responsible for scaring the crap out of him. [[not intentionally!]] We IMed him about 3 wks ago, and was just joking around with him..and now he's mad at me.

The ex is mad at me because I'm depressed && I know he cares but apparently he feels like I'm not realizing it. On top of that, Sondra && Dean.O might be too broke to come down. =( PA Lover && Lil B might not cruise in my cruise. And my bestie, is super sick, so who knows if she'll come.

This week is just falling apart && I'm almost at the point where I'm not even sure if I wanna go to the show && put myself thru all this garbage with BP. Apparently he has a new woman, && if he brings her, I mite not fair well. I can pretend I'm strong, but sometimes I do break down. I know I shouldn't rely on people, but I do want && need my friends, my support.

And now, who the hell knows whats going to happen. I'm down && out. I just wanna be happy. But seeing BP on Saturday is going to kill me, whether I like it or not.


Counting down the days till Dubs on Defrost 2. I'm super excited for this weekend, it's going to be one of the best, or worst.

It's going to rain Friday nite though, which means I'm still going to get my lazzy butt up half way early && wash && wax my car with PA Lover, then we're going shopping!!! [[woo hoo]] Then going to see Fast && the Furious, opening night, ricey rice come out && play. =p

I totally am stoked that Vin Diesel && Paul Walker are back. MmmM. They're a hott combo. Hopefully the movie won't make me drive like an ass afterwards, hahahaha. Really though, seeing those hawt JDM imports ((who am i kidding)) && muscle cars racing across the screen, it mite actually get my blood pumping, my heart racing, && my foot to become lead like && stomp on the gas. But, there will def. be cops.

There was cops for Haunting in CT, because there were so many people in the theather we were in, && most were under 18. Def. going to be a HUGE police presence on Friday, which I prefer..I do not need these tuffies thinking they're drift kings!

Ok, I'll shush on the car talk now, because I'm sure most of you have no clue what I'm talking about.

Anyway, nothing exciting on the home front. J.Wilt scared the crap outta me last nite though, because he decided to race Mustang Mike down Rt. 6, going like 80 in && out of traffic.

Woah this like a rollercoaster!!!

We caught up to him though, only because he spun thru first && second gear because he hit the white line && lost traction.

[[There I go again, talking about cars! I apologize, my head is all car stuff this week.]]

That's about it, sadly I really have nothing interesting to blab about. Just cars, cars, cars, boys, cars, cars, cars, someones using a hoe. [[you'll understand when I update about my weekend.]]


Weekend Recap!!!

Well, it's Monday again. Doesn't it seem like you turn around and its always Monday? But, in a way I'm uber excited for this week. Dubs on Defrost 2 is 5 days away, my friends Sondra && Dean.O (who are finally back together!!! yaya!!!) are coming up Friday from PA for this lovely car show && I have Friday off!!!!

Anyways, on to my famous weekend recap:

- went to the movies with Mustang Mike, my bestie && her boyfriend.
-Mustang Mike came to pick me up, && my mom && dad were outside doing yard work, my dad heard his car, && totally loved it.
-went to the movies for 815, but the Haunting in Ct was sold out, go figure.
-so we went to Applebee's && had some drinks && appretizers.
-saw the 930 showing. not a bad movie. GO SEE IT!!
{{rep my state, && the town I work in, it says Goatswood, which is a section of Southington btw!}}
-pretty much went home afterwards because I was pooped.

-ended up going out with the ex for a little while.
-then went && picked up J.Wilt.
-we drove around for a while and went to the mall.
-dropped the ex off because he had work && then went to visit Jess && her daughter Tiffany, && to see Jess' bro Preston, who just joined the Navy && is at Groton Sub Base.
-we chilled out && made some steak && potatoes && corn, soo good.
-then J.Wilt && I drove Preston back to the sub base && went home.
-beeedddd. lol.

-got up, went out to lunch && then to the exs, where i finally put on my lowering springs!
-it took forever to do the fronts!!! the ex and his dad did most of the work only because im not physically capable of doing somethings.
-soo finally around 8, got the fronts done.
-took a break && went && got some yummy wings.
-went back && did the rears.
-in the meantime all that was happening, i painted my engine cover && tried to repaint my grill. lol.
-but i smudged my engine cover because it wasnt completely dryy && the grill just didnt cooperate.
-soo just gotta repaint that, && tada charlie will be ready for DoD2!

It was a crazyy good time. =)

Two Awards , Aww Shucks!

Thank you so much much to Constructive Attitude over @ Symphonic Discord for the sexxxy blogger award. Please check out the her blog. Come onnn, you know you want too. She's frickin awesome!!!! =)

Now I guess this is the part for I have to list 5 sexxy things about myself.

1. I suppose being the mommy/proud owner of my (now) nicely modded 2008 vw rabbit is sexxy?
2. I play Xbox 360, that seems to get boys panties in a bunch?
3. My eyes I suppose? They're a nice shade of poop brown. [[seriously]]
4. I have a booty. [[haha]]
5. Because I'm me!!!!

-And now to list some laddies who def. deserve it. =) Only doing 5 on this one, I'm uber lazy.

[[It's Monday people!]]

1. Cheryl @ Confessions of a Twenty Something Yr Old.
2. Sheri@ Sheri's World.
3. Marissa @ The Shared Journey
4. Kali @ Pokerface
5. Struck by Serendipity

Enjoy Ladiiess!!! =)


My second award comes from the oh so cute, Sheri @ Sheri's World. She awarded me with the Sisterhood Award. Thanks lovely!!!

She's not sure what this award is for, and neither do I, but I'm passing it on to all the lovely ladiies out there in blogger world!

Thank you so much laddiies for taking time to read my blog and comment it, it really means alot! My blog is more like a journal, about what happens on a daily basis, but its nice to get advice and support! So, this is too all of you. =)


I Attract Mustang Owners/Firefighters.?!

Alright, I had to stop reading this email I just got on match.com to post.
This fairly cute guy sent me an email, letting me know the basics of himself.

He's 21, completely italian, is a volunteer firefighter who drives a mustang ((wait wait backup)) did he really just say he was a firefighter who drives a mustang?

This is my 4th email from a firefighter && the second one that owns a mustang. And plays xbox 360. Why am I getting firefighters? ((Not that I mind!)) Everytime I get an email from a guy and he says he's a firefighter I think of my bestie in Florida, Firefighter Fred.


So, I suppose he's not my bestie anymore. I mean was he playing a game with me, like you weren't single, so I'll talk to you, but now that you are, I won't talk to you? What the hell! ((lol)) This is the kid, who told me when I was with Erik mind you, that it would be different between us if I was ever single. But, we decided being friends was the best thing to do at the time. I can't possibly move down there anytime soon and he would never move up here.

But, yea, I text him, he doesn't reply, I call him, he doesn't answer. So, whatever Fred!

Anywho, I'll be back latterrr yo.


Happy. =D

So, ((awesome)) things that happened last night. Well, after work, PA Lover && I went out for some ice cream. She needed it. My laddii is down and out. She misses her friends, her cats, her dog, and her job. She's currently unemployed. =( She applied at the American Red Cross, but they don't need her either till April 15th or May 31st. So, I took her for some girl time and girl talk.

She was texting Jdubs, && I forgot how but we ended up getting on the topic of how I thought JDubs hated me and how she thought I hated her. PA Lover told me they never hated me, they in fact very much hated BP. ((eeek, sorry dude)) So, I texted JDubs and told her i loved her!! ((haha)) and so JDubs and I patched it up. =) SO, now its back to going to get togethers on Tuesday night with Absolutdubs ((putting my sticker on yo!)) and Wednesday night get togethers on the pike.

I couldn't be a happier clam to have all my homies back. It's going to be a great summer.

And last night, I actually went out with Mustang Mike. He wanted to see me, so I was like why the hell not. So, he came around 8 && picked me up. We drove around && then went to Chili's. Talked && talked && talked. =) He's a pretty frickin awesome guy.

And tonite we are going out again, after I see J.Wilt ((missed my boii)). Mustang Mike && I are going to see The Haunting in Connecticut. ((lol))

the truth is a) this movie was shot in Canada because a totally new family lives there now && clearly they did not the film shot there.
b) the poor family has had a whole crap load of people visiting their home. listen pple its not a dang tourist attraction
c) most pple dont know if the story is true or not, they said an exorcism was performed in the home, but who knows.

Have a lovely weekend errrboddy!



9 days till Dubs on Defrost 2!! Eeeeek. I'm so super stoked though. Such a busy weekend next weekend!! Like I said, I have next Friday off so I can give my full attention to Charlie. =)
And then Friday nite, Sondra, Dean.O, my bestie, Swan, && Mustang Mike (more about him in a min.!) are all going to see the 4th Fast and Furious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (nope im not excited, at all.)

Saturday it's up super early to pick everyone up && cruise to the spot where my cruise takes off from. Cruise takes off at 11, we meet up in Newtown with the Danbury cruise, then it's off to Dubs on Defrost 2!! Then the day there, then possibly the get together at SBC after. Then home, bed, && on to Spring Show && Go in Jerzee.

Alright, Mustang Mike. Met him on match.com, le sigh. (lol) Ended up meeting up with him after the get together on the pike last night. He's super cute && sweet && loveeeesssss...cars! He has a hott Mach 1 Mustang in Arrest Me Red (seriously name of the paint) with black accents. So, I've decided it's Charlie's American counterpart. And they'll take pictures together one day. And it'll be hawt. Anyway, Mustang Mike asked me out last nite.

So, tomorrow after work, I'll have my first official date. Yes, I have never been on just a date. I've always met the guy, and then pretty much chilled && became boyfriend && girlfriend. But, this is legit date hurrrr. So, I'm nervous && excited all at the same time.

Other than that, it's going to rain today. (boooo) But, tomorrow it's gonna be 65 && sunny. =) Hopefully next weekend will turn out ok. =)


SO Much to Do!!

My head has already bypassed this week. It's not too next weekend and the first car show of the season. Dubs on Defrost 2. =))

I have to get my springs on absolutely this weekend. Hopefully Mr. West or Coco will come thru for me. They better damnit! I also have to put my white steelie back on and clean the living crap out of the wheels. It's just brake dust so it's really no biggie.

I also have to wash my car, clay bar it, apply detail spray, take out my mats && clean them, vacuum, wash the windows, and clean the dash and such. So mucccchhhh to be done. But, I'm excccittted. =D So excited that Charlie is finally getting somewhere. I'll post pics as soon as I get Charlie uber clean next Friday. He's gonna be a shiny bright beast. =)

Anyways, heres some pics from PA!

[[Dubs in PA]]

[[Me.Sondra.PA Lover.]]

[[Dean.O, Sondra, Ash, Lil B, Jon, Swan, PA Lover, Me]]

edit: more soon.


This is Life.

When I was 9 yrs old, my mom went back to work for a trucking company. She worked second shift, so on Friday nights, my dad would take me and my brother out. Usually, we just drove, sometimes we went to soccer games or to the arcade.

It was on those drives, that I sat and thought about the future. The mood was almost always right, the pitch black of the night, accompanied by the oldies station. The powerful ballads of the late 70's and 80's swept over the airwaves, like the spring breeze in May.

I would stare up at the night sky, thinking what the future would hold. I thought about things a 9 yr old kid should never think of. I saw myself in the future, what would high school be like, who would I end up marrying? The power ballads of the night time radio always overcame me, as I was staring up into my future. I'd weep silently, thinking about life at the moment, life in the future and life in the past.

Around the age of 13, my mom stopped working second shift and the only time I ever sat and looked up at the night sky was when it was Saturday, and Satuday's meant family dinner. The stars never did shine as bright as they did back when my dad took me and my brother out. There was no powerful love songs, or songs about life. Instead, the sound of "Prarie Home Companion" filled the car.

I lost touch with the night and the songs that filled them after that. It wasn't the same, life was exploding around me, my hormones racing like they had a huge deadline to keep. Staring up at the night sky was now reserved for me and my current beau, or best friend. It still wasn't the same though.

Until, last night. The sounds of Stone Sour filled the car and again, my eyes returned to the glimmer of the night sky. I watched the stars and their brillance in the sky. I wept softly and quietly so the ex would not hear me. I sang, I wept, and I starred.

I thought about life, how far I had come. I thought about our existence. I thought about the heartbreak from the past month, I thought about my friends in PA, thought about the ex as more than just a friend, thought about the future.

I thought about life in general, thought about how you make you're own happiness. Eventually, the ex and I went back to his house. I went on Youtube seeking my new favorite song that I had heard everywhere, but couldn't pin point what it was.

"Second Chance" by Shinedown filled my ears on the Ipod Touch. The lyrics scrolled across it's tiny screen, the soulful sound of the lead singer belted out and radiated thru out my entire body.

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance," he sang.

I laid back, letting the lyrics wash over me, thinking about that one line. Thinking, this is my life. I let myself dictate my own happiness. I smiled, thinking of all my friends, thinking about how much I loved each and every one of them. Thinking about how they all helped me out thru a darker time in my life. Thinking about me, this is real, this is life. And no one was going to bring me down ever again.

And when I got back in the car so the ex could drive me home, I looked up at the night sky, the lyrics reverberating thruout my head, the tears pressed back by my will, and I smiled, the stars shone so bright.


Weekend Recap.

I'm super tired. Staying up till 4am on friday and 5am on saturday is not the smartest of ideas. But, it was super fun! So, on to the weekend recap!

-I got out of work @ 5, and my homies ((and the bunnnis)) were waiting for me. <333
-Jumped in my car, which PA Lover got the pleasure of driving.
((she was pmsing, couldnt deal with her boyffrann, lol))
-Left and we were on our way!!! =) We briefly stopped in Jersey for pizza @ Junior's && to use the potty.
-We ended up getting to PA around 930, went to PA Lover's best friends house, while her bf && Swan went to Dean.Os.
-Got there, chilled and waited for Sondra to come, so Swan could follow her to her house && drop me off.
-Went to Sondra's, was afraid of her dogs ((lol, ones half border collie/half pitbull! and the other i have no clue, but she's HUGE!)), finally got brave && went inside, put my stuff down, && then went for a cruise.
-We cruised thru town just looking at stuff, && then went to Sheetz!!! =)
((best place ever, FTW!))
-We met up with Stinky, this kid Chris, && Ashley, who lives with Sondra && her family.
((i missed my Stinky!!!))
-Then we left && went back to Sondra's, and watched Step Brothers
-Sondra fell asleep, I almost did a couple times.
-Then Stinky && Chris left.
-Sondra && I went to her room, got all comfy && talked a little, then went to sleep.

-Got up around 10:00am.
-Ate some Cinnamon Toast Crunch
-Then just chilled out && got ready
-Swan came && picked Sondra && I up.
-Went to PA Lovers house
-Chilled for a bit then brought Sondra back home because she had to go to work. =(
-Went back to PA Lovers
-Swan && her boyfrannn went out to take some pics, so we just chilled out watching Family Guy on the computer.
-Eventually, they came back, PA Lover made some dinnerrr.
-Swan went to the mall.
-I took a nap.
-Got up && enjoyed some BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes, corn && broccoli.
((PA Lover's an awesome cook!!))
-Then waited for Sondra to get out of work.
-Swan && I went to her house.
-Then, we went to Schnecksville ((SP?)) to Jon's house for a bonfire.
-Crazy backroads were taken, it was kinda creeeepy.
-Finally got there, saw Leroy ((missed him!!)) && just chilled out with Dean.O, Sondra, Swan, Leroy, Raechel, Dean.O's mom && Jon.
((Usually we go to Dean.O's but he got a new job as a tow truck driver && he could only be 20 miles away from the tow truck place, so that's why we took the 40 min to Jon's))
-Dean.O ended up getting fed up, wanted to quit, so him && Sondra took the tow truck back, but he whimped out on quitting, && said his mom got into a car accident in Maryland, obvii not true.
-So Swan, Dean.O's mom && I drove back to Dean.O's. While we waited for everyone to get there, we ended up going to Sheetz.
-Got back to Dean.O's && we all just chilled out watching "The Seed of Chucky."
-I was text msging Stinky in the meantime asking him to come to Dean.O's.
((What I didn't know was that Stinky && Dean.O don't really get along anymore. Sooo ooopssie.))
-So Stinky ends up showing up.
-Dean.O's mom was like, oh he's asleep && doesn't want company.
((There was like 7 of us! LMAO, such a bad excccuseee.))
-Stinky had to leave, unfortunately..&& a little while longer, I got bored && decided to ask Swan if he wanted to go for a cruise.
-He said, yes. So off we went to Wal-mart, which is like 20 mins away!
-We walked around there for a bit, then ended up going to Stinky's around 345am.
-Watched the rest of Redline with him. ((Horrible movie btw!!!!!!!!!))
-Stinky && I ended up cuddlin a lil bit, it was nice, too just be held by someone.
((Ok, I'll admit I have a bit of a thing for Stinky, like you couldn't tell!))
-Then after the movie, Swan && I left && went back to Dean.O's.
-I ended up falling asleep in a recliner, which I didn't recline, lmao.

-Woke up around 1000am.
-Swan, Dean.O, Sondra, Jon, Ash && I all went down to Hamburg Diner.
-Met Leroy, PA Lover && Lil B there.
-Then after breakfast, Sondra && I went back to her house, chilled, packed up my stuff && went back to Dean.O's.
-Chilled with everyone for about an hour, && then it was time to gooo. =(
-I didn't wanna leave though.
-Got in PA Lover's car this time.
-The boys took Charlie.
-Got home around 645ish.
-The ex came to pick me up, went to dinna, && then went && picked Kerri up && drove around.
-Went to the ex's house && just chilled.
-Then I ended up going home around 1115, because I was damn tired.
-And that concludes my weekend!

I had a ton of fun just being with my PA Lovvaaas. It's so surreal to me how I have best friends ((i consideer them that!)) in PA too!!! They're obvii all dubbers && when I'm down there, it isn't ever awkward. It's like we all live near each other, && just chill.

I def. miss it. But, in 2 wks, Sondra && Dean.O come up for Dubs on Defrost 2!!!! I'm frickin pumpeddddd. =D

Then, the weekend after, I might go down again. I'm super stoked. Like Whoa! =)


In PA!!!

Hello everyone, right now I'm chillen with PA lover in her room, in PA, haha. It's a beautiful day here. =) Last night, I got in around 1000 and we went to PA Lover's besties and then to Dean.O's. Unfortunately, Dean.O was asleep so I haven't been able to see him yet.

Swan ended up dropping me off at Sondra's, and me and her cruised around town, looking for people we know. Then we went to Sheetz, and met up with Stinky. Went back to Sondra's and just chilled out with everyone. It was freaking nice, went to bed around 4am. Got up around 1000.

And that brings me to here, Mandy's house. Chillen out, waiting for Dean.O to get out and help me lower my car...eeeek! =) Then probably partying tonite with everyone, sleep tomorrow and back home to shitty CT. =(

Then life returns to normal. But, just wanted to sayyy hiii and actually post on the weekend!



So, today is going to be the sloowessst Friday ever. My boss is not here today. And I'm leaving for PA after work!!! PA Lover and myself are taking my bunnni, she's driving obvii, and the my brothers Lil B && Swan are taking PA Lover's Bunnni. <333

I'm super exccccited, I got my springs yesterday to lower my carrr, and I'm spending tomorrow afternoon at Dean.O's doing that. =D Tonight, I'm staying at Sondra's and we're probably just going to cruise around and talkkk and go to Sheetz, which is my FAVORITE place to eat at. It's a 24 hr gas station but you can order like meals there, for sooo cheap!

Don't worry I'll post pics, I'm borrowing the exs camera, sooo, you'll get to see awesome pics of the middle of nowhere, haha. Sometimes, it honestly still amazes me that I have such a good group of friends who I'd probably chill with on a daily basis if they lived up here. I <3 all of them! ((lol))

So, I won't be posting this weekend (wait when do i anyway?). Sorry, I need to start doing that.
15 days till Dubs on Defrost and Charlie's gonna look hawt. =) Have a good weekend ladddies. I'll miss you guys. ::sniff;sniff::


A Pre-BP Era.

Hope everyone had a good weekend! I have interesting stories to share. =] And there's only 5 days till PA.

Anyway, first off. I'm back to the pre-BP era. Last night, I was hanging out with some old friends of mine and the ex and after I dropped the ex off at home, I was driving home and I felt this undescriable feeling like everything was going to be ok. =)

I have some amazzzing friends and I could't ask for better. I officially think after the encounter with BP yesterday (story below) that I proved to myself that I AM better off without him. No matter what. I'm doing me and he can do him. He's just a memory now, thats faded. He doesn't exist to me anymore.
So anyway weekend recap.

-picked up J.Wilt after work.
-cruised down to DBlock && went to the mall.
-cruised back listening to emo music as loud as possible && screaming it. [[we're insane, I blame Vault]]
-cruised around for a bit then dropped him off && went to chill with the ex.
-went home && to bed.

-picked up my bestie, her cuz, && j.wilt.
-cruised to the DBlock mall once again, looking for some store my bestie needed.
-left, && went for a cruise on Super 7
-went all the way into Kent && went to Bulls Bridge
-it's an adorable little park
-went for a walk on the rocks near the rushing river
-chilled out while my bestie took pics. sat && thought for awhile.
-was walking back && decided to write in the sand, I heart EH! [[yea im retarded]]
-cruised back on the super 7 then home.
-dropped off j.wilt, went back to the besties, ate some dinna, then went to wally world
-chilled out for a bit with the bestie && her cuz, upset.
-i was missing him. [[lameo i know]]
-then left && went && chilled with the ex.
-home, bed.

-got up, got ready && went to pick up the ex.
-went down to New Haven for the parade
-was insaneeeeeeeee.
-tons of drunk people on the street.
-was sandwiched in, and witnessed the following:
cop: are you threatening me?
drunk guy: [inaudible]
other cop: take him out!!!
-the guy gets pulled over this lil mesh fence they had, and thrown down onto the street && had about 10 cops jump on him, restrain && arrest him. [a lil too much force imo]
-all of a sudden this woman comes screaming thru the crowd "thats my son. let him gooo!"
-runs into the street, throws her drink back at the crowd, gets all over this poor woman..&& gets arrested.
-moving on, we finally find a bar. this story pisses me off.
woman: id please
*i hand her my id*
woman: this isn't you.
me: yes it is.
woman: no its not.
*hands id to other woman*
other woman: nope, this isn't you, the complexion is too dark.
-well you see its March here in New England.
-when I got that id takin, it was early Sepetember in 2003, I WAS TAN!
-needless to say we didn't find any other bars, we just kinda trouped around.
-left, brought the ex home, && picked up j.wilt.
-we cruised && then as we were headed up the hill towards BP's work, he was coming down.
- i decided i wanted to play.
-pulled a crazy u-turn && headed back down the hill
-got behind him at the light.
-got onto route 8 (a highway)
- && took off, went flying by him
-got off the exit
-got into the right lane
-&& started saying: fuck fuck fuck
-because he was coming down the exit ramp && i knew he was going to take a left
-he pulled up next to me, i looked at the front of his car
-saw an opening && took off
-went && dropped j.wilt off, we had a long talk
-i said i felt stupid about what i did.
-he said, "well sometimes we do that, because we don't want to be forgotten."
-true dat homie.
-then i went && chilled with a good friend of mine that I used to work at the daycare with.
-we had a ton to catch up on.
-she wanted to see the ex, so we picked him up && went && visited her bf at work
-cruised around && then went to dennys for a late nite dinner
-we just laughed && had a good time.
-dropped the ex off && went home, with a smile on my face.
-it's all back to normal. no more drying my eyes.
[[5 days till PA=major stokage]]

edit-i know i had pics up there if anyone saw but i decided it was best to take them down for reasons.


Ready, Set, Ok GO!

Plans are set for next weekend. [insert squeal here] I'm cruising down in the bunnni with Lil B. =) Texted my friend Dean.O last night to let him know I'm coming down..he said, awesome, I'm going to make it a party weekend. [awww how I love my PA homies!]

This weekend, I don't really have anything set in stone. Tonight, I think I'm chillen with J.Wilt for a while then I have no freakin clue. Tomorrow, is bestie day, not sure what we are going to do because I'm tapped for cash, but a cruise to DBlock Mall isn't out of the question, honestly why the hell not. Sunday, ummmmm. I don't know, maybeee New Haven for the St. Patty's Day parade..

I'm just in a super good mood today. Everything's going well, my boss complimented me...and I'm going to PA next weekend!!!!


Uber Stoked!!!!

SO I'm so incredibly excited at the moment. My friend from PA whom I went to Florida with is coming up with this kid Stinky for Dubs on Defrost 2. =D I'm so excited to be with all my homies.

It's going to be me, my bestie, hopefully lil cuz, the ex, Sondra (chick i went to Florida with), Stinky, PA Lover, Lil B, and hopefully Dean.O. And even maybe Swan!!!

Aw, I have awesome friends. I <3 them soo much!!! =D And next week, I'm disappearing and going down to PA to stay with my Sondra (I'm mostly sure). I just have to see if Lil B is going down next week or what..or if PA Lover is coming up. Then, it's onward to PA to see my loves and just fckin parttyyyy.


Safe For Now.

Last night I went out with J. Wilt, haven't seen that kid in a minute. (haha) We ended up going to the mall and Target because he wanted to find some cologne. After that, it was off to the pike gtg. Thankfully, no BP.

Instead, an overview of the night before..where BP showed up at the Absolut gtg. Lil B is not happy with him. Apparently, he hardcore bashed on Lil B's gf PA Lover (one of the best). I guess also that he was wicked unhappy and miserable..and only smiled maybe once. I asked Lil B if he ever viewed us as appearing happy together? He said yes, alot of times. Especially when we went to dinner for Lil B's birthday with PA Lover and him..IDK?

I guess after Lil B left, BP and Big B had a looong talk about the events that occured between myself and BP. Big B promised we would have a talk about it..but we haven't. He told me when I left, that the jist(sp?) of it, is that BP found me too overbearing (after we broke up) and in Big B's opinion, BP and I aren't meant to be. Who knows? I honestly don't.

Bascially, I told J.Wilt that BP has up until and the day of Dubs on Defrost 2 to want to make up, after that, I'm out like trout. (haha) I know I'm crazzzy..it's not like I'm gonna pass up any opportunites to date though. I just am giving BP a very limited window to decide what he wants, because obviously what he has now, may not be working out so well. I have no clue?!

OK, sush time for me. Sorry, I know I'm beating a dead horse...but something always happens everyday..lol.



I know Bon Don over at Who Throws Cupcakes? Honestly. wanted to know why I put the date with Rawwwrr32 on hold. I just don't think he's that into me. (haha) I know it's a just movie, but I believe if the guy doesn't do everything in his power to get a date, he probably isn't down for it.

And I just feel like he's not down for it. Plus, after I texted him and told him I wasn't ready, he said he wasn't really either. I don't know, I am but I'm not.

Tonite, I'm going to the gtg on the pike. Ah, dub friends. I get to see Big B!!! My brother from another mother, who I just IMed, and he told me that someone made an apperance last night at my old dub clubs gtg. Yup, BP. Guess they had a nice lil talk about the whole situation.

Surprisingly, I wasn't bad mouthed either. So, there's a chance he may show tonite. I'm not sure. If he does, I'm just gonna deal with it. I'm going to be friendly and normal. Wish me luck.

He's Just Not That Into You.

Last night, I went to see that movie with ex. It was actually really good, not really that emotional either. The movie features a whole lot of actors and actresses such as Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper, Scarlett Johansson, and the Mac guy Justin Long.

The basis of the movie is about GiGi (Ginnifer Goodwin) who keeps meeting these guys, but they never call. She then meets Alex (Justin Long) and he fills her in on what's going on in a guy's head..that most women are "the rule" and not "the exception." It's a very insighful movie, which pretty much made me realize a wholeee bunch of shit.

Half-way thru the movie I texted Rawwrr32 and told him I wasn't ready to date yet aka, He's Just Not That Into Me. (hahah) I also walked out of the movie feeling stronger. My heart is slowly healing, and I'm happy about it.

I'm moving on, and I'm way ahead of you.


Review: 3Oh!3

So, I absolutely am in l.o.v.e with this band. Their music is undescriable. A good amount of their songs remind me of Hollywood Undead. But they also have some different styles on their cd.

I purchased their cd "Want" last night at Best Buy. I was soo frickin excited to open it and play it. And play it I did, loudly.

3OH!3 is from Boulder, Colorado and the area code, is well 303, hence the name. The two members of the band are Nathaniel Motte and Sean Foreman. Two of their songs have been featured on the Hills and they have played "Don't Trust Me" on Last Call with Carson Daly.

They got their big break playing one show for the 2007 Warped Tour. The following year they were featured on the Warped Tour again playing in every city except Philly. They will again be touring via the Warped Tour.

Next month, they will be headlining the Alternative Press Tour.

So, pick up their cd..but now for your viewing pleasure.."Richman."


I Laugh Because You Think I Care, I'm Just Here to See You Fall.

He's gone. For good. He's littered the entire interweb with the phrase, "I'm moving on whether you like it or not."

Um, hi I was already gone. =) I'm just here to see you fall. Last night I was a little upset, but now, I'm fine. I have support, or my "posse" as BP like to calls em.

It all started innocently enough..ok, so maybe not innocently. I jumped into Call of Duty 4 and joined BP's game, he was playing with Greek, and served em. (I'm not being cocky, this is the truth)

They backed out and I was playing around on AIM when the ex joined their game again for me, this time I was on their team and they couldn't even hold the enemy back. (GRRR) This time they stayed though and I wasn't on their team. In the end, I was first on my team, had gone 22 kills and 10 deaths. I spanked em, and made em known.

Then, shit hit the fan. I was on AIM on the ex's iPod Touch, and it made a funny noise. An IM from BP.

"Cute," he wrote.
"I know," I said.

Then he told me to fuck off. He told me I was a the biggest pain in his ass. And he went on and on and on and on about it. He also said I better never hope I see him again. I reminded him of Dubs on Defrost. We fought like this for sometime longer, I apologized alot towards the end. Why? I don't want nor need this drama. Yes, I'm immature. Yes, I blow up your shit.

Why? Because I'm fucked up. I've always broken up with guys for a reason. Back when I was 16, I had my first serious boyfriend. He cheated on me and we both went our seperate ways. But, he tormented me and I tormented him. It was immature and stupid..but its sub consciously why I annoy the living shit out of BP. I know it's fucked up, and it's something I need to get over and stop. I drove him completely away..and I suppose that's fine. We wouldn't have lasted as friends, because of how much we have to see each other.

There's a certain something that bothers him. It's the topic of the ex. I know this bothers because he made a rather unneccessary comment last night, "how about you just marry your ex, and move to florida with him, and live happily ever after." Unneccessary. That was not provoked. GET OVER IT. I don't wanna be with the ex. He's a good friend. That's it.

I have someone else is mind already. He's from my dub group. Rawwwwr32. He's in the army and drives a sic .:R32. He's damn cute. And I asked him on a date..which took me about 30 mins of our texting convo to do. He said he just wants to settle into his job..and then we will probably go!! (YAY!) In a week or two at most. Chyeaaaa.

OH! And, yesterday afternoon I actually talked to BP. He put a lovely away, that said...hahahaha wow that looks like ass...hmmm. I wonder what? Oh wait, you think my car does. So, I called him out on it..he lied and said it was his friend's MK2. (Really, its cute you think I'm stupid.) Last night, he made a comment that my car was ugly. Don't hate. It's whatever.

Oh, and if you do read this. Nice job spying on my screen name via your Euroking one. Didn't think I already thought of that huh? I can be smart. =)


Weekend Recap: Sexxxi Firefighter, Air Freshner Run, and I Beat Boys at Video Games.

So, I've been doing ok. Despite yesterday, the rest of the weekend was decent. Last night was the first time I cried in a while..it just suddenly came out while I was going on my nightly cruise with the ex to talk. "I miss him," I whimpered. We hadn't talked since Thursday when I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and that I wasn't going to allow myself to pine over him any longer.

Anyways onward to the weekend recap:

-Friday night I ended up going with Big B to the CtEurospec gtg. We cruised down and met up with everyone from Best Buy..and that lil fucker MK4GTI was there..
-We then cruised to the mall, which apparently I'm pretty incompentent about. I followed another Rabbit realizing that he wasn't going there. WTF?
-Thankfully I had my GPS and he saved my life and I found my way back..after calling Big B 50 million times to see where the hell he went!
-Finally got into the mall, sat down, enjoyed a Strawberry Kiwi Snapple and talked to Big B, then went and made my way over to the bigger table where I talked to the other red Rabbit owner about his future plans for Das Wabbit.
-Finally talked to MK4GTI, left, went for a ride with him, came back and went to Boudah's.
-Pretty much spent the evening in his big ol recliner watching tv, while they talked about cars.
-Left around 1100 and made my way all the home with a dead phone..because my car charger is universal and the lil piece that fits my phone got lost. >.<

-Woke up.
-Called my bestie.
-Went to clean cars with the ex.
-Went to my besties.
-Went to Five Guys, saw BP's boss from the camp he works at..got dirty looks. WTF?
-Went to Wally World, and the mall with her and her cousin.
-Back to her house.
-Chilled went to Bed, Bath && Beyond, grocery store, back to her house, out again to the pike.
-Had Chili's with my laddii from PA and other dub friends. YAY!!!
-Drove all the way down to North Haven to attend a party at my bestie's boyfriends house he rents with a bunch other guys for schoool.
-Met her boyfrriend who we both went to school with and where in the same graduating class with, but he didn't remember me.
-He returned to game of Beer Pong, and his partner was the SEXXXIEST man I've seen in a long while. And, he was a firefighter. No g/f present either. ;)
-Told my friend about the sexxxi man.
-She told her bf, who told me he didn't know him.
-Tried to get my bestie to help me out a little bit, but she didn't really care, she was too busy sucking face with her boyfriend.
-Sat there coming up with any confidence I could, which wasn't really any at all..while her 15 yr old cousin coached me on talking to him.
-Don't worry it wasn't a crazy party, just alot of Marines, chilling and talking. MmM. And she didn't drink, neither did I.
-Eventually the Sexxxi Firefighter went outside, me and my bestie's cousin followed him outside.
-He commented on the weather. It was a beautiful evening.
-Her cousin and then went and sat on the chairs outside...he asked us where we were from. Bristol, we replied. Thought about it. Then her cousin says, "yeah its a really boring town."
-He says he's from Hamden too, says, ok "well see you inside."
-Yes, I choked. I'm an ass.
-We go back inside, sit back down, watch the bestie play Beer Pong and NOT drink. (haha)
-Eventually the sexxxi firefighter is out, and 5 mins later, we depart too, and oh lookie, he's standing outside.
-Still nothing. I'm retarded.
-Get in my car with the bestie's cousin.
-Meanwhile, the bestie is standing in front of my car making out, thank God it was dark out.
-Her cousin surprises me and says, "I don't really like my cousin when she has a boyfriend."
-I asked why and she told me that her cousin is totally different when she has someone.
-I agreed, honestly not trying to bad mouth my bestie, oh what the fuck yes I am. But its like the guy is ALL she ever thinks about.
-Ok, I was with BP everyday except like Sundays, but I didn't need to rush home to talk to him on AIM like she does.
-And go on and on and on and on about their sex life.
-So, we were driving home..and the bestie and I were talking.
-She isn't a very good advice giver, she just cuts me off when I say things like I'm upset and in a snotty tone, says, "So what, who cares, just move on."
-Not that easy.
-I drop her and her cousin off, and go home..and pass out.

- I woke up around 1100am. My PA Lover had texted me.
-Got up and ready and headed over to Lil B's (her boyfrieenddd)
-Then my PA Lover && I went for an air freshener run
-To BP's store.
-It turned out horribly.
-I was looking all cute, my hair was wavy, I was pimpin my red and black bandana that BP had bought me with a volkswagen shirt.
- We walked in and around.
-Hit up the air fresheners.
-BP was with a customer but the customer had walked away. I don't think PA Lover realized this.
-Went to put her air freshner down.
-He looks at her with the nastiest look..and says in the snotiest tone, "I'm with a customer."
-Ok buddy, lets get 2 things straight, don't talk to PA Lover that way just because you hate me.
-And, don't talk to us like that in general..we're customers as much as you hate it. Do you're fuckin job!
-We ended up paying and leaving..he was outside as I pulled off the side street onto the main rd, smoking a cig...hmm that lasted long.
-Then we went to the pet store and Wally World.
-Got back, took off our grills and started work on the Rabbits. =)
-Now I have a purdy new grill, so does PA Lover.
-They're black with two tone emblems..mine is red behind and hers is pink behind.
-Lookkkksss hotttt.
-After that, I went and chilled with the ex.
- We drove around, went back to his house and I played some Call of Duty 4.
-I ended up in the Greek's match and was soo excited to beat him.
-Sadly, he left the game and alerted BP.
-So, I just kept playing..then left.

And now its Monday morning...I'm trying to find the sexxxi firefighter on the interweb, lol...and be sane for once.

My baby, Charlie.

Pa Lover's, Roger.


The Worst Friday Ever.

Honestly. I didn't want to get out of bed today and come to work. I felt like such crap physically and emotionally.

I haven't really been eating all to much, so I don't think that's really helped with the way I feel. I just want to curl up in a ball and stop feeling like shit.

I don't trust anyone and I don't want to trust anyone. Especially after yesterdays convo about how HCD hates me. (well except for jenna, cuz shes cool.) I don't trust CTEurospec..or this kid MK4GTI.

Right now, I hate BP sooo much. He made me ten times unhappier than I ever could of made him..I have no trust in ANYONE except for my bestie and I hate that I feel out of place in my own world..in the dub world. I've been in the scene forever nowwww..but I feel like I was outcast the most.

I have no clue what I'm going to do tonite, if anything except lay in bed watching the Disney Channel. (I got over loathing it haha)

My bestie also believes that there's something more to the story..and why BP didn't wanna be with me. She thinks as do I, that one of his guy friends said something to him. He swears no one did, that he never really talked to anyone about it. I know it can't be a girl though, because he'd probably be honest and up front about it.

Well life goes on, hopefully to get better. You have to go thru the darkness and the pain to become stronger.


Really, Nineteen Year Old Dubbers Need to Stay Away.

So, I decided to post in my old stomping ground of the CTEurospec forum and say what's up, I miss you guys, is there anyone I can cruise with from the Dirtee Water area.

So, I get a response from this kid that I haven't met yet. (Damn he needs a nickname) I'll call him MK4GTI for now since I've never met him. So, anyhoodle he's like yeah I can cruise up to meet you and then we can cruise to Orange. I'm like sweet, I don't have to ride alone..so I take a gander at his profile just to see his name, what he drives and how old he is.

He's 19. Facepalmed right there. I'm now deathly afraid of 19 yr old dubbers. I really hope he's ugly..no offense but I don't need another tradegy..like the one I just endured for the past 5 mnths.

He PMs me, tells me he's cruising with Jay but he'll come back up and get me. I'm like oh ok. (all the while, I'm thinking. Gawd. 19 yr olds. Oh Gawd.) Then he tells me to text him..and thats what we are doing, making plans to meet up.

Please dear God, do not send another 19 yr old dubber my way. I cannot handle it.


Ouch. That Burns.

Ok, I can now officially shut up about BP, well at least till April 4th, which in my eyes is D-Day.
Oh joy, Dubs on Defrost...how you are very much turning into a war. Thanks to Hat City Dubs hating me, and guess what Dubs on Defrost is their show!!! (Fuckin great)

Now, I can do this two ways. I can either cop out like a pussy and not go..or I can go and stand my ground. Yeah option #2 is sounding awesome!

Now onto the reason why I will officially shut up about BP. After our giant fight, where I bascially told him I DID NOT WANT HIM ANYMORE, he deleted me from everything. Facebook, Myspace, Xbox. We didn't end our convo on BAD terms, just bascially told him I didn't want him.

Do I detect a slight hint of being hurt? Thought we were gonna be homies ya know? Guess not...its all good though. I assure you. Now I'm just rippin pissed. I took the liberty of blocking him and deleting him from AIM though. (yay me!)

I just need help from him with doing dub work. But eh I got others. Chyeaaa.

This is done..and I'm glad. You know somethings gonna go down at DoD2 though. It's the dub life.

And the Drama Continues...

Why is it everyday I come online with the intention of asking BP a question actually related to something about Volkswagens and not us, that he has to pick a fight with me?

Ok, like now we are arguing. And oh, apparently his friends in HCD, don't want me to come around. OK? Like they're mad at me? WTF. It's funny, I didn't do anything but make BP unhappy according to him..and I get shit? Well, thats not very nice.

At all. Ugh. I'm done. Thank God.

Booty Call, Say What? Part Deux.

So, last night I went out with my bestie. We decided to get some ice cream on the pike after a Wal-Mart run. =)

[The pike is bascially just a looong road with lots of shops and such. Essentially a mini highway]

So, we went up to the pike and I thought of Big B. I knew there was still a chance that people hung out at the new Dunkin Dnuts up thurr, so I hollered at him. (hahaha) He told me that he was going up there in 10-15 mins soo I chilled and waited.

We drove there around 830 and no one was there, went for a drive down the street and just as we were almost there (again), Big B called me asking where I was.

"Be there in 30 secs," I replied.

So, got there pulled in and low and behold, Conman was there. (LMAO) I totally forgot that he went to the gtgs at the pike, didn't think anyone really went there anymore. (Must've also slipped my mind that he's a dubber too, fucken dubbers!)

I parked Charlie, got out went to give Big B a BIG hug and update him on life. Dropped jaw, and laughter insued..."Lameo reason," he said.

(You're telling me!)

So, we went inside and just all chilled..Big B asked me was I was MIA for the past couple of months..told him I was in and out of dub groups like it was job. Just kinda chilled and such..around 10 left and brought my bestie home and then went and picked up the ex.

I'm driving around, just talking..as usual..when my phone gets a text.

"Heard you've been asking about me?"
"Maybeeee. lol."

Conman! (hahahhahah)

So, I continued driving around till like 1130 then went to play some Xbox. Hopped on my account and played some Call of Duty 5: WaW. BP and Greek were on playing Call of Duty 4.

Left around 100am, went home and just chilled talking to Conman..and fell asleep around 2am.

A-game's back. Chyeaaa, haha. Def. made me feel better. =) But, I will never date another dubber. Too much hassle.

Uh huh. Fo sure.


Booty Call, Say What?

So, again I thank everyone for their kind words and internet hugs. I love you all!!!!!
I know it's going to be hard for however long...but one day I'll get thru it. I have some pretty amazing people in my life here at home as well.

They've all tired to cheer me up, to give me advice..I think that maybe as ...Call Me Captain Backfire said, the timings not right. I dunno. Who ever knows.

Back to the amazing people.....ok, so you're probably like WTF is up with the title of this post?
Hahah. Oh, how one boy makes the soul feel better.

Conman or Wedgie Man when I wanna be mean, lol. Conman and I have known each other for, well probably since I was 17. We hooked up once..and well, I'll tell reason behind (hahahah, im ghey) the Wedgie Man nickname another time.

I Imed Conman on a whim today. I knew he was feeling down and out because him and his gf had recently just broken up too. At least theres was mutual!!!! Anywho, he was just telling me how I needed to find a friend with benefits. (lmao) I said hmmm, now just to find one. (jp around ya know)

And he said well if you sweet talk me well enough mayyybeee. (hahah) Made me laugh, I attemped in good fun..but failed epicly...and this was my response to failing epicly.

"So I def. just epicly failed, I was trying not to laugh while I hit on you."

LMAO. =) Love it.

A Letter to BP

Dear BP,
I'm sorry that I wasn't the perfect girlfriend as you thought I would be. I wish you would have tried harder. But you didn't. You didn't just leave me, you completely pushed me out. I'm sorry I ever gave you advice to slow down and just be young. It's not who you are. I'm sorry that I cry over you on a daily basis. You broke my heart into a million pieces. I'm sorry we argue about bein together. I know you don't want me. I'm sorry I believed your smiles, the ones that made me feel like you'd love me forever. I'm sorry that I always wanted things my way. But after a while, you always made it up to me anyways. I'm sorry I sent you adorable emails while you were at school. I knew those always made you happy. I'm sorry that I ever cared enough to buy you food when you were hungry, to make you sandwiches. I'm sorry that we ever sat in the car talking for hours about everything under the sun. I'm sorry your kisses gave me butterflies. I'm sorry that we first met and that you lent me your gloves, only so you could see me again..but I got lollipop stuck to them anyways. I'm sorry I was afraid of you for 3 mths because you screamed "Yo Bitch" and caught me off guard 3 mths after we first met. I'm sorry you flirted with me and I didn't get the hint right away. I'm sorry I took you to get togethers so you could meet people up in this area. I'm sorry that you told me you loved me out in the freezing cold at my besties house. I'm sorry I believed you. I'm sorry I became such a huge part of your family. I'm sorry your cat liked me. (I think?) I'm sorry we talked about moving in with each other. I'm sorry you said you wanted it too. I'm sorry we talked about life together. You never said it scared you. I'm sorry I tried to help you when you were down and out. I'm sorry we went to NYC together. I'm sorry I loved you, I'm sorry you made me happy.

I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I believed you were the one. And I'm sorry it had to end this way..

The Next Chapter: Florida.

So, yesterday afternoon I was talking to the Ex. I asked him if he wanted to move to Florida. He said, of course yes. His mom has a condo in Clearwater with two bedrooms that she would let us live in for almost free. It's not my first choice, but it's the best choice for the moment. I'd only be 4 hrs away from the bestie Firefighter Fred and I'd get to see Amber and Seth. Plus, I could just bounce over to the Orlando area and chill with The New Dub Kid.

[Plus the dub scene down there is 365..soo I can't complain about that!]

I think it's time. This is something I've wanted to do forever now and I finally can do it. =D I'm uber excited for the weather change and to be able to spend my weekends chilling out at the beach. [who can complain about that?!]

So within a year I'll hopefully be down in the Sunshine State!!! =)

So, last night I was talking to Coco. Now, I briefly I guess you could say dated him in between the Ex and BP. Him and I have always talked on and off but I never was really interested in pursuing a relationship with him because he's too much of a partier for me. I was txting him and I told him how BP and I are just friends now. And he comes back with, yeah Simone and I are just friends now too. First, I don't believe he has ever has this said girlfriend. But, I just thought it was funny that all of a sudden he was like oh yeah me and Simone broke up too.

Anyway, so I guess this weekend Coco and I might out to the bar or a movie. Not a date thoughh!!!!! (lol)

I'm doing ok today. Better than the previous days obviii. Last night I sat home for the whole night. Which I'll be honest I haven't done in like the past four years. I slept a lot from like 600-900, and of course my body told me it was time to wake up around 9. I called BP to see what he was doing, homework of course. We kinda sorta talked, nothing really earth shattering.

But the damn Disney Channel! I watched it from about 900-100 and every single show was about how the main character "makes up" with his/her current person. I was like really now? Really? Let's talk about love and second chances when I'm down and out?

Disney Channel I loathe you at the moment.



Thank you Sheri for these two awards!! You all know you want to hit up her blog. =)

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

This award acknowledges the values that every blogger shows in his/her effort to transmit cultural, ethical, literary and personal values every day.The rules to follow are:1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person that has granted the award and his or her blog link.2) Pass the award to another 15 blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgment. Remember to contact each of them to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
Alright, I'm going to just name a bunch of people, lol. And don't be afraid to pick up this award either!!!

Update, and Thank You!

I'd like to thank Sheri. =) She's provided me with words of encouragement thru a tough time in my life. I love you girl! I know the world isn't over but it still def. hurts and probably will for quite sometime now.

Last night was my absolute turning point. I'm moving forward and never going back. I got the rest of my stuff back last night. I said I wanted everything back but the dick didn't have to include everything I GAVE HIM. (immaturity is really starting to show).

Anyway, so the Ex and I went to his work. We're just friends now, and I needed some moral support. Not a good idea btw. I pulled up, walked in, and the first thing BP says is, "Who's in the passenger seat?" (excuse me?!) "the Ex", I said. He starts to beeline for the door and I'm fearing the worst. He goes to his car, opens the trunk, takes out the bag, gives me to me, walks around me, and yells....

"Have fun fucking him."
"What the fuck?"
"You heard me."
I'm grumbling to myself, "Are you serious?"
"Fuck you," he says.

And walks inside. 10 mins later I'm arguing with him about the nonsense that went on. He hangs up on me. (mature) I ask the ex to grab the bag, he opens it, starts naming off shit I gave to BP. I call him back, ramble ramble ramble I was starting to think I made a mistake.

"Wait, what?" I said.
"I was starting to think I made a mistake, but you treat me like such crap, that I don't know now."

Tell him I'm gonna come visit (again) afterwards. Get some food, drop the ex off. Go to his work with a big smile and a heart full of hope.

He sees the look on my face, realizes he said something wrong. "You came here expecting something differently, didn't you?" he says. "Yeah," I reply. But, I can already sense what's coming. The line that travels around the world in my mind.

"I can't do it right now."

Finally, more stuff comes out. The fact that he's too grown up for his own good. That he wants to be 19/20 and not 25/26. He wants to focus life on being young, and just going with the flow. (what dumbass gave him that advice, oh me!) He tells me he wants to go away to school to get his Bachelor's. Possibly WestConn, possibly somewhere in New York. Tells me he wants out of the VW scene, he wants a Jeep.

I tell him I have to say goodbye. As much as I'd like to be his friend, I can't. It hurts. I have to leave. He says, ok. We hug x3. I walk out, watch him as he looks back at me. I pull out, leave and cry. Call the bestie. Tell her what happened.

She doesn't really care. I can hear it in her voice. She sounds annoyed. Annoyed she couldn't see her new bf (obsession really) because of the snow. Annoyed that House wasn't on because 24 was. Tells me her phone's going to die.

She may tell the guys she loved goodbye and mean it..but then I don't think she really loved them. Actually I know she never really loved them. How can you just say goodbye to someone you love and that's it?

I go and pick the Ex back, cry again. Drive around and talk some more. Now I know how it was to be in his shoes when I did this to him. It sucks hardcore. =( DMB texts me, tells me he's ready to meet up.

We do, he cheers me up a little. But it's different, it always is. I go home. Lay in bed, talk to BP about how I need him to help me with the lowering springs when I get them. Tell him fine, I'll be your friend. The whole convo he's snippy and snappy at me. It hurts.

I wake up this morning, driving to work I'm listening to Daughtry. Over You is on. I listen to the lyrics, and smile.

Because believe it or not, this time I'm Over You.



Why can't I do it? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I put myself thru the BS day in and day out. Listening to him tell me right now he doesn't want to date me, but I feel like he just wants to control me.

He values me as a person so he still wants me to be his friend. He won't make time for me though outside of the internet world.

Why can't I just let go? Maybe I believe that it's not really over and that he's just fooling himself. But, I think it's time to realize it. I need to do this..maybe picking up my stuff from him tonite will make me realize it.

Then I'll go away. Out of his life. Out of his control, to be free to be me. And not someones pawn.

DMB, The Past, The Future, and I So Needed This Weekend.

So, I suppose it really doesn't matter to me anymore that BP reads my blog. (here, be nosey, this will tell you all.) As you can see I've gotten increasingly bitchy with him, more or less. I just cannot take it anymore. It's either hit or miss with him.

I stress out myself soo much, trying to reason with him, we get so far in our conversations and then it usually ends up with, "I can't do this right now." (be with me) And he gets soo frickin mad at me for the stupidest stuff. Like Saturday night I went to the casino with my cuz and her two friends for her 21st birthday. He tells me to have fun at the stupid casino. (thankssss.) Then last nite, he gets mad cuz I called him to talk and he's playing Xbox with his friends, and I'm like oh I'll let you go, and he was like fine, whatever and got pissy. >.<

So, I'm at my wits end. I tell him I can't do this anymore, he gets kinda annoyed//upset. Listen buddy, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't get mad at me for stuff like you're my bf, but want so much space. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

Anyhoodle. Um, sorry about that. So this past weekend was pretty good.

On Friday, bestie && I went to my cuzins family party for her birthday. My family and the other side of hers were both there. =) My other cuzins son was there..and he was sooo cute, racing his lil matchbox car up and down the hallway. I gave him tickles, and he was soo cute because he said stop it, please. (hes almost 3)

After that, we went to Denny's and just chilled, then went back to her housee.

Saturday, I woke up early..and got ready, packed a bag and hit up the casino with my cousin and her two friends. My uncle knows a highroller, so we got an awesome suite in the MGM Grand Hotel at Foxwoods. =D (baller) We chilled, got dressed, drank some, and then headed down to the Hard Rock Cafe for her birthday with my aunt, uncle, and my cuz's other aunt and uncle. Then we gambled at tad, then we went back to the room, then out again. (lol) Then back to the room, where something shitty happened.

I went to push myself up on the bed because it was a lil high and my knee went psycho and like popped and ugh, the pain was horrid. Eventually, it went away, it still hurts like a bitch but at least its bareable now. I just walk with a limp. Its funny. (not really)

Overall the nite was pretty fun, not really any cute guys though. (sigh)

Sunday I arrived back home around 1230 and went to the Exs. He's been a really great friend, and we just chilled and I showed him the Youtube vid I'm obsessed with. (linkage below) Then we went out and just drove around and talked. It was nice to have an ear listen to me. =)

(Sorry this post is lonngggg. lol)

Oh, so DMB(hes obessed with Dave Matthews Band). I mentioned him in a post a while back. He's an ex of mine from really like 5 yrs ago. I dated him breifly and broke up with him (even tho he was an awesome bf) bc I was young and dumd. (Irony much?) He's now back in my life and pretty much asked me out. I shared this tiny fact with BP last nite. He wasn't too happy, thought it was an excuse to walk outta his life. (um nah) But, I've been considering the options. For now I think I'm just gonna lay low, chill with DMB maybe once or twice and let things happen.

Idk what will become of me and BP and I'm not sure what to do. I think right now, I'm just gonna back off, do my thing and see what happens. If nothing, well life goes on.