Everything Works Itself Out..Maybe?

I'm driving to work, tears running down my face behind these ridic. huge sunglasses. Everyones texting me, concerned for me. I think about him, my heart broken into a million pieces. I think why? I blame myself, I blame him. I think about the support I'm getting. It makes me smile.

But, inside I'm a wreck. I'm tortured and tormented by the harsh things he said. I woke up this morning thinking everything will be alright, but it's not. It won't be for a long time.

I'm angry at him still, angry that he gets it all and I'm left with nothing. I have no dub club to be associated with anymore, all those people that were my friends, they've been edited out of my life like he's edited me out of everything on the internet. I think how my car show season, the one thing I really looked forward to do with him, is gone. How can I show my face? When I know it'll hurt just to see him.

I still love him, more than anyone I ever have. He helped me shape into someone I wanted to be..I had so many plans, to better myself with his help. But, just like that, it's all gone.

I'm afraid to talk to him, afraid to have him tell me there's nothing more, that's it. His friend told me not to worry, it'll all work out, if it was meant to be, it will be. At this moment in time, I don't feel so sure about it.

Last night, everything changed. We got into a fight, we were driving, he told me to turn around and that it was over. I didn't think he meant it. I thought I was going to drive to his house, and we would sit outside and talk about it.

Instead, he exploded at me, told me to give him the ring back, told me he was too young for this, that whenever I spoke about marriage and moving in together, he was scared for his life. He never told me this, or I would have shut up. I thought he wanted it too. He told me he was too young, that he was only 19 and this was too much for him to handle.

At that moment, I wanted to punch him, knock him out cold. I told him at the beginning of our relationship when it had picked up fairly quickly that I was afraid that he would wake up one day, and say fuck, I'm 19, I can't do this. I stood there in Ikea, asking him if he ever thought this would happen, cause if so, I didn't wanna be with him. He looked me in my eyes, told me no never, and I love you.

He told me I made him miserable. He told me we fought too much. Told me his mom and sister heard us fighting and when he came down to come outside, they said they could see that I made him miserable. He told me they still really liked me, but they saw a different him.

I starred at him, crying, unable to say what it was I wanted to say. I sat their staring at the gauge cluster in my car. Watching the time pass by, listening to him telling me maybe I'm making a mistake, but I'm just not ready. I continued to stare at the gauges in my car, continued to listen to him break my heart more and more.

He told me he loved me still, something inside of me, snapped and I barked at him, telling him I didn't believe him, which thru him into a frenzy and he got out of the car, slammed the door, walked around my car, punched his own and walked inside his house.

And that was it. Everything was erased. The love is gone. My heart is broken. And I don't know what to do. =(